Screaming in the Dark

Trying to figure out how to start this blog or to explain why I started it and I’m currently struggling to put that into words.

I don’t know what I’m doing here or why. I don’t know what it’s going to become. But I have to try something. I’ve always been a night owl but lately it’s been even worse. I lay in bed at night feeling like I’m going out of my skin. Like there’s a fire burring inside me and it wants to come out of my fingers. I have to try something to get it out. So here’s my first attempt at getting whatever this thing is out of my body and into the world. Who knows…. maybe I’ll even find a voice or a way to do some good in the world. Stranger things have happened.

That doesn’t mean I was certain that a blog or even writing was the way to get this thing out. I’m not excessively woo woo but I have my moments. I’ve been thinking about starting this blog for a little bit and last night I decided to pull an oracle card to ask for some guidance. I got the most unhelpful card for making this kind of decision ever. The card I got was Tenderness, below is the meaning of the card.

TENDERNESS
True Love, Compassion
This card foretells the coming of new or increasing love in your life. It may seem to arise from out of the blue, or it may be a relationship that has been developing for quite some time. Either way, feelings of tenderness, as portrayed in this sweet kiss, will soon be intensifying.

Because of its great height, the giraffe has an advantage over other animals—that is, the ability to see far into the distance. The message here is to be honest about your perspective on love. Be sure not to limit your view of your deserving or of your future potential. Even if you’ve been hurt in the past or been alone for far too long, true love is on the horizon. Remember that the tenderness you give to yourself will be reflected back to you in the brilliant light and love that the Universe will be sending your way.

(If you’re interested in the deck I use, check it out here!)

So in the moment… not helpful. At all. And then I stared considering. The way they make us think about things is really the power of Tarot, oracle cards, I Ching, all of it. It makes you think about and consider things often in a way you did not expect.

There’s a story I love to tell. My grandfather was an interesting guy. For all of my life I remember he was very into spirituality, healing, crystals, strange diets. Sometimes when describing him I call him a seeker, he was always looking for the truth, whatever that meant on a given day. His funeral was hilarious because my grandparents were a stereotypical 1950’s couple living in the suburbs. Not really the types you would expect to be interested in spirituality. But the religious organization he had been attending for years was The Vedanta Society, so that’s where the service was. I remember the swami was a tiny little East Indian man and he had to explain to the people there what The Vedanta Society even is. After the service there was an opportunity for anyone who wanted to to get up and speak. One man got up and told a story that has stuck with me for years. He said that he and my grandfather had been seeking together and would regularly get together for lunch to discuss whatever they were reading about and learning. To discuss the truth. After some time my grandfather stopped getting lunch with him. This man called to ask why and my grandfather told him he had the answer. What is it? The answer is love. The answer is always love.

Then I started thinking about some of the things that I love and that I am being inspired by right now for multiple reasons. I think about Humans of New York, and Post Secret, and Untamed, and iWeigh. All of these are so human that they have started movements. And, to me, all of them feel like they have love at their core.

So. That’s why I’m here. Thank you for reading my first ever blog post. I’m here trying to figure out what it is inside me that is keeping me awake at night. Maybe through this I will find a voice and once I have that voice find something that needs to be said.