As I was getting ready to write this post I was thinking about my first therapist in High School. I had a panic attack in the middle of my English class and my teacher put in a referral to the student health center because she understood enough to see that’s what I needed. (If you ever read this, thank you Ms. Katz! You saved me.) But then I remembered that was not my first therapy experience.
The first time I had a therapy experience was after my parents got divorced when I was five. I’m not sure exactly how old I was but all I remember was my father crying and feeling like it was my fault and never going back again.
(Sidebar nation. I also remember that my parents tried to go to the same family counselor after the divorce, I would guess to try to co-parent effectively. My mom came home really pissed off because my dad called her a conniving slut. She shared this with me and my sister. Later that week at school we did a unit on bullying/name calling. I don’t remember exactly. We were asked for names that we never wanted to be called. So me, being a kiddo, raised my hand and loudly said “I never want to be called a conniving slut!” I wish I could go back and time and read the teachers mind. Whenever I think about that story I find it equal parts funny and sad.)
But in all my years of off and on therapy since I was in high school (we aren’t counting that one small child family counseling appointment) I’ve had mostly positive experiences. And I find myself thinking about this right now because I sense that my therapist is getting ready to send me off into the wild. I’m doing significantly better than I have been in a very long time. I was saying to him today that I know there is more with me that I could be working on but I feel like I’ve been in crisis for three or four years. For right now I don’t want to dig anything up, I just want to feel normal for a little bit, to enjoy being at baseline. It’s been a very long time since I’ve been as high as baseline.
It’s interesting. I started this post with the intention of talking about how important and beneficial therapy is. You know, talking anyone who is resistant into going to therapy. I know for a fact I would not be here today if it weren’t for therapy. But according to scientific research our brains are much more likely to hold onto negative emotions and memories. I guess to keep us safe, so we remember what the predator looks like. So here we are, looking for the positive spin. Where my brain goes looking for the positive spin is that despite having a couple bad therapy experiences I still think everyone needs to go to therapy. Where else is it reasonable and expected to spend all our time only talking about ourselves? Where else do we sit with someone and talk about our problems and (when appropriate) look for solutions? Therapy is is where I can be fully honest about who I am and what I’m experiencing without fear of the other person’s reaction of their feeling about whatever I have to say. I worry often that sharing the depths of my pain will hurt the people who love me (and really who else would I be sharing that with?)
I feel like especially with the younger generations (eek, am I old enough to say that?) there is less stigma around therapy. Maybe there is a growing willingness in the world to understand that actually no one is perfect. It is not our fault that we are the way we are (our life experiences thus far made us that way) but it is our responsibility to do the work to not continue negative cycles. It is our responsibility to not punish the people in our lives now for our past negative experiences.
Am I done with therapy and “fixed” or “better” if my therapist wants to let me go? No. Maybe I’ve learned everything I can from him and it’s time for a new perspective and new knowledge. Maybe I just need a break and I’ll be back. Maybe I have the tools I need to do some of the internal work alone for a while. But for me at this moment it feels more like when you overdo it at the gym and have to take some time off. Sometimes it’s important to stop the work for a little while and just exist. So here’s me. Existing.
Screaming in the Dark 