For the time being while I get this rolling and figure out what this is going to be I’m trying to write every day. I sat down to write and it was like pulling teeth. It is now two am and I’m trying to sleep and this lands in my head almost fully written. Sigh. Thanks brain.
One of my earliest memories of being confused and afraid and treated much older than I was was one day when I was walking home from the bus. At the oldest I was in middle school so 12-13. A man pulled over to ask me where the library was (it was nowhere near where I was at the time). I gave him the information and he told me “oh I’m new to town, I don’t know where that is. Can you get in the car and show me.” Thank god I was smart enough to say no. I may have told him I had to get home, I don’t remember. But sometimes I wonder what would have happened. Rape? Murder? Both? Or, the most unlikely, did he actually just need directions?
There’s conversations you see online about the things women do to feel safe when out in the world alone. (Walking with your keys between your fingers, avoiding empty streets, checking the back seat before you get in the car… the list goes on.) The fact that these things are truly necessary is horrific and needs to change. But what about the little girls? I was a little girl and I had to worry about what grown men wanted to do to me and ultimately protect myself from it. I’m aware that that incident was small and could easily gone so much worse. But that’s not the only story I have like that, it was just the first so it stuck.
These are just the things that (mostly) women have to deal with being out in the world. These are just the strangers. But what about the people that we are close to? What about the people that we allow into our beds and our bodies?
I wish we had actual sex education in school. Not abstinence only but also not medical only. My stepson is too young to be sexually active but old enough to have questions. The other day he said something in passing about his body being different. I’ll admit that the first time it came up I brushed it off and was awkward. When it came up again I took notice. That time I told him “if you are naked and in an intimate situation with someone and they have anything negative to say about your body you get dressed and you leave.” Who knows if he heard me but it was what I needed to hear before I became sexually active. We need to be telling young people the kind of treatment they shouldn’t allow.
But why are these conversations necessary? I’ve been with people of all shapes, sizes, races, genders… I genuinely can’t imagine saying anything negative to a person I’m sharing intimacy with about their body. Who are these people? Is it about power? Control? The first man who ever went down on me the next time we were in bed together I requested it, he told me “you got really wet last time and it was kind of gross.” So I went down on him and to this day I still get self conscious about getting too wet.
I have survived. I have navigated all these things and I’m here. I have a husband who adores me and would never treat me the ways I’ve been treated. And if my experiences were rare it would just be tough luck. But I don’t know any women who don’t have stories like mine and worse. We’re strong, we get through. But we shouldn’t have to be strong.
I’m tired. I’m tired of having to think about any of this. I’m tired of worrying about sending the people I love out into the world. I wish I didn’t know what I know and I wish I could let down my guard.
Screaming in the Dark 