(Image found on Astromatrix)
I think that everyone has this (I hope or I might be about to sound very crazy) but I have what therapists call a very powerful inner critic. My inner critic is the voice inside my head that is equally me and not me. It is the voice that tells me I can’t do things and that I look silly. It is the voice that tells me that people don’t like me and that I’m useless. There are days when it is louder and days that it is quieter but it’s always present.
One of the reasons I made an agreement with myself to post every day no matter what was because I know myself. I knew if I didn’t set that boundary I would make excuses not to write or I would criticize every post I made and insist that I needed to edit it just a few more times and it would be ready. Even in this short time that I’ve been writing it hasn’t been easy. The few people that I have shared this with I cannot be in the room when they read it. I usually write late at night (because that’s my time) and sometimes I wake up in the morning thinking “that post was awful, why did I post that?”
I don’t know if it’s true but I believe that if I keep pushing myself and doing the thing while doubting myself that that evil voice that tells me I’m shit will eventually get bored and go away. It hasn’t yet but here I am writing anyway. I’ve had therapists recommend yelling at the voice but that doesn’t suit me. I know that the critic or the judge whatever you want to call it is just trying to protect me, it is just misguided. In this case it’s trying to protect me from being embarrassed. When I do talk directly to the voice I try to tell it that it’s not helping. (Just to be clear… we’re not talking about a literal voice in my head… we’re talking about that inner voice that is and isn’t you at the same time.)
What has been working for me a little bit is do the thing anyway. (Do the thing! Do it scared!) Sometimes I picture my inner critic like the last fragment of Voldemort’s soul that Harry sees at the end. Something that has brought so much fear reduced to a small helpless creature. Maybe I can starve it out or maybe I can prove to it that it is wrong and that I can do all the things it tells me I can’t.
The other thing I do that helps by maybe isn’t quite so evolved is that I seek reassurance from outside myself. I know that no one will be as hard on me as I am on myself. So, we ask someone who’s kinder. Sometimes my need for this reassurance is overwhelming, and I’m working on that.
And besides why do we have to be good at everything we do? What about doing things just for the pleasure of it? I am a writer because I have written things. That’s it. I’m an artist because I make art. No one can judge my pleasure or take my enjoyment away from me.
(When I was looking for an image for this post I found this explanation of the Judgement card: “Embrace your inner calling. You are all set to take your life to the next level.” I already knew I was choosing the right image for this post but that pushed it over the edge.)
Screaming in the Dark 