(Image from Rumi Oracle)
I’m in a mood tonight, so I guess trigger warning? I’m going to talk about blood and symptoms and I’m likely going to swear a bit because I’m pissed the fuck off. If you have a problem with reading any of that, read the second part of the title again, then dip back in tomorrow.
My period started two days ago. I’m so bloated this month for some mysterious reason that I’m honestly surprised that no one has asked if I’m pregnant and I find myself lifting the weight of my belly for some comfort and relief. I’m bleeding so heavily that I think I’m just losing endless nutrients, it feels like no matter what I eat I’m still hungry. I can’t always tell if I’ve bled through everything. I was running a bunch of errands today and it was over 100 degrees outside and multiple times when I got out of the car I was wondering are my thighs wet because I’m sweating or is that blood? I bled so much despite having a tampon in and a pad I just threw my underwear in the garbage. My brain doesn’t seem to want to cooperate with anything I ask it to do and everything is pissing me off. Small blessing, my cramps have been average this month. So I haven’t been crying from pain, I only took a few pain killers, and it’s really just my stomach and my upper thighs that hurt and an occasional sharp pain in my vagina. On bad months I have pain going all the way down my legs into my feet. I have slept in a hot bath before because it was the only way I could get any relief. I also only had one day of period diarrhea, so that’s something. But here’s the kicker for me, I’m expected to act like everything is normal and I’m supposed to do just as much as I do on any other day. How the fuck does that make any god damn sense? Please, someone, make it make sense!
While I have no interest in going back to a culture that considers women to be “unclean” when on there periods (again, fuck you) I don’t want to have to pretend everything is okay and normal. (Really has that changed that much? Most women I know have had partners who are grossed out by them being on their period and no one wants to hear about it.) I want to curl up with a heating pad, eat junk, sleep, and on the bad months take five baths in a day if that’s what I need. Why do I have to be ashamed of this thing that half of the world either does, has done, or will do? Hey, reality check, if it weren’t for periods literally none of us would be here. And why does every asshole pull out the “oh, she must be PMSing” card to invalidate what a woman is feeling or saying? Yes, I do get more emotional around my period. I’m not saying I don’t. What I am saying is that usually I have patience for your bullshit, but when I’m PMSing I have zero fucks to give and I’m going to tell you exactly how much you piss me off. And you don’t get to imply that I’m weak or crazy because I’m mad. Just for fun, because I’m writing this, I googled PMS. So, a woman’s cycle is generally 28 days. PMS can begin any time after ovulation but typically it starts a week before your period starts and lasts until five days after the start of your period. Out of 28 days women spend 12 days suffering? And we’re supposed to be okay with this and never speak of it because that would be inappropriate or offensive. Yeah, go fuck yourself. If I’m supposed to spend almost fifty percent of my adult life suffering I’m going to talk about it.
I want a moon hut in the middle of the woods and I want no one to speak to me for at least three days. I want all responsibility taken off my shoulders for at least a few days. From my understanding of some cultural histories that was a thing. Or you would be in the moon hut with other women from your community who were also menstruating. Where do I sign up? Could you imagine the reaction women would get if they called in sick to work for a few days every month and said they were on their period? I would be surprised if they didn’t get called into HR. That would be considered an unacceptable reason to miss work. So we all keep going because we’re told to. Why does every menstrual product commercial show a woman running on the beach as if that’s what we all want to be doing? Oh and that fucking blue liquid! Are you kidding me with that shit?
Even in the midst of all my anger and genuine suffering I see this vision of the world I wish I lived in. A world where everyone can honor their bodies. A world where I don’t have to be ashamed about something my body does with absolutely no input from me. Years and years ago I was supposed to hang out with a male friend and we were talking and I said something about my period starting and how much pain I was in. He replied that he was fine to hang out as long as there was no more “medical talk”. I feel like I should be able to say “I need to change my tampon” with the same level of comfort that we all say “I have to go pee”. Every woman has a strategy for hiding her pad or tampon when walking to the bathroom in a public space because we’re taught that this is shameful or embarrassing. And, side bar, why can’t I talk about medical things in “polite company”. Don’t we all have bodies? Why can’t we be honest about them? I know there needs to be a line, maybe, and I might not be the correct person to draw that line, but I can tell you with absolute certainty that it’s not in the right place now. Let me talk about my experience, let me listen to and honor my body. And I will listen to you about your body and your experience and I will support you in honoring your own body. Sounds pretty good, right? Where do we start? Well for me, I’m a small business owner with one employee who only works a few hours a week. But I texted her and I said when we’re both working full time and the business is making plenty of money we are both taking off minimum the first two days of our period. I’m not going to keep pretending this is okay and I’m not going to ask anyone else to.
Screaming in the Dark 