Screaming in the Dark

(Image from Whispers of Love Oracle)

Today, September 10th, is my husband’s birthday. So I’m digging into some older writing of mine for this one. When we started seeing each other in 2017 I was trying to start a blog with all my various funny dating and sex stories. I wasn’t that interested in doing it but so many people that I told stories to would tell me that I needed a blog so I started making drafts. Nothing ever came of it but a while back I came across a folder in my Google Drive with a bunch of drafts including one about how my husband and I met. I’m going to clean it up some, the original was a bit closer to NC17 due to the nature of what I was trying to do. This blog I’m aiming to be a bit more PG13…. R at most.

I moved into my last apartment October of 2017. It’s been a strange little, it was laid out almost like it was all hallway, but it worked. One of the things that was especially strange for me is something that I know a lot of people enjoy, the neighbors are all really friendly. Many of them know me by name (with my memory, I never remember any of their names). I’m so used to buildings where everyone respects each other enough to completely ignore you.

My next door neighbor always made me nervous in a kind of silly way. He seemed like a serious guy and I would always feel like he was about to reprimand me for… something. It’s kind of like getting sent to the principal’s office or how everyone gets nervous when they see a cop. I always felt especially awkward when I knew I had recently had company. Our apartments share a wall and I didn’t know how his floor plan lined up with my bedroom. But other than him making me nervous, and him and his kid sometimes being loud I was never particularly aware of him.

On May 1st I was heading out to a Beltane party on a date with someone I had been seeing for a little bit and my neighbor was outside. He stopped and looked at me and said “wow, you look particularly beautiful this evening. Where are you going?” And I told him that I was on my way to a Beltane party. He asked a couple questions, making it clear that he knew exactly what Beltane is about. Then his son asked “what’s a Beltane party?” That was my cue to go, I’m not explaining Beltane to a child I don’t know. Especially not really knowing his parent.

But there was, something, in that moment. Not that I was suddenly interested in him, more that I felt like he might be interested in me. I noticed him making more of a point to talk to me, chatting longer when we did talk, things like that. Nothing big, nothing creepy, when I noticed it I just figured the Beltane thing intrigued him.

I haven’t been doing great in general. I’ve been struggling through a low patch, I’ve been depressed. Things seemed to be off with the guy I had been seeing in a really confusing and frustrating way. I was sitting on the porch reading trying to cheer up and my neighbor came home. We chatted for a while about random things. Another neighbor came up so the three of us were talking. And he asked me if I wanted to go on an adventure with him sometime and I said yes. After he went inside my brain rejoined the conversation. My first thought was along the lines of, wait, what just happened? What did I say yes to? Does he think this is a date? Do I want it to be a date? But then I decided, we didn’t exchange numbers, it will never come up again. I figured it would be like when you tell someone “we should get coffee soon!” and then you never do.

I was wrong. A while later I ran into him again and he asked if I wanted to go on an adventure that weekend. And I hesitated, my brain showed up to this conversation early, but I figured, what the fuck! So we made plans to go on a long drive on Saturday complete with a river and a picnic lunch. Not too shabby.

Getting ready for our adventure I just got more and more nervous. I really didn’t know what I was getting into. Even more than that I wasn’t sure what I wanted to happen. I left a note on his door with my number (just in case I didn’t wake up that morning) and asked if I needed to bring anything. He sent me a text saying “We’re going to find a nice spot to jump in the river…bathing suit? I’m going to bring plenty of goodies to eat and drink. Looking forward to a fun adventure with you.⚡️👍⚡️” I pondered the meaning of that question mark for longer than I’d like to admit.

Then it was Saturday morning. He knocked on my door early to ask if I would mind him bringing his bike. He’s an avid cyclist and the drive we were going on was to scope out a ride. He wanted to ride part of the way and have me drive his car. Odd, sure. Why not?

It was strange to be in his car. It was strange to have plans with him. It was an amazing day. Exactly what I needed. The drive was stunning, up over a mountain in an area I had never been to before. The conversation flowed but even when it didn’t the silence wasn’t awkward, it was comfortable. It was kind of odd driving his car, and trying to pace him going uphill on his bike. I smoked some of his pot. (Rare for me at the time but I’m glad I calmed my nerves a little.) Comfortable.

Once we got out of the mountains and we were driving along the river his brain shifted out of cycling mode. Or he was enjoying our time together. I don’t know. I was still feeling uncertain about what I wanted to happen. But I was quickly feeling that he knew what he wanted.

We stopped for lunch at a beautiful shady spot. He brought way too much food and neither of us were eating much. At one point he fed me something and I totally didn’t know how to react. I probably stared into his eyes like a frightened wild animal. I’ve never felt so uncertain in a potentially romantic situation in my entire life. I usually know exactly what I want before I get myself into a situation.

We went down to the river to see how the water was. I was part way in and the water felt so good I just wanted to jump in, who cares that I’m fully dressed! I said that to him and he says go for it! So I fell into the river and lost my prescription sunglasses. I tried not to feel self conscious as I pulled off my wet clothes to just be in the bikini I had underneath. We enjoyed the water but the current was a bit too strong to relax so we packed up (my clothes were too wet to put back on, I was in just a bikini for the rest of the day) and continued on our way. We spent the afternoon looking for, but not finding, the perfect swimming hole. The last spot we stopped I could feel what he was thinking and wanting. He even put his arms around my waist when I was standing on the shore. I was very aware of how much skin he could reach. It was awkward for me and I broke away quickly. When we were leaving he reached over and pushed my hair behind my ear and stared into my eyes. I was so much in my head I had no clue how to react. Despite this growing tension that I had no clue what I wanted to do but we were having a great time together. I said something, I don’t remember what, and he offered to cook me dinner that night. I told him I wasn’t fishing for an invite and he insisted it would be his pleasure. Towards the end of our drive we fell into a comfortable silence. I was getting tired. We left the apartment around 9:30 am and didn’t get back until 6ish.

I went home for a little bit, I needed some alone time and a nap. I also sent frantic texts to my friends saying we’re having dinner together, I think he’s going to make a move, and I don’t know what I want to do. He texted to make sure we were still on for dinner and I confirmed we were. Dinner and conversation was great. He was clearly trying. Feeding me wine, giving me a foot massage with jasmine oil. The more it became clear it was going that way the more I started freaking out. We were sitting on his bed and he said “I really want to kiss you right now.” I don’t think I said anything or if I did I don’t remember and he leaned in and kissed me. He is a phenomenal kisser and after the day we had it was so nice to be kissed. He started moving down my neck and more. But my brain is screaming at me. What about this guy that I think I’m seeing!? He’s your fucking neighbor!? What are you doing!? I started to panic and asked him to stop. He stopped, no question and no complaint. He told me I could stay, no expectations. I relaxed in his arms for a while, almost falling asleep with my head on his chest, but I knew I had to go home to my bed. So I dragged myself home. Shortly after getting home I got the following message: “Thank you for sharing a wonderful day with me. You made the day so fun with your laughter, insight, and conversation. You radiate a special light that is so attractive to me. You’re beautiful inside and out…you’re smart and funny, and have a great heart. Would love to have another “play date” (as [his son] would say) with you. You open to that?” I said yes.

The next morning I was leaving my house as he was getting home from a ride. He came out of his apartment to apologize, he was worried he had been too forward the night before. I assured him that was not the issue. We didn’t talk long but I let him know that some of my resistance was awareness that we live next door to each other. He suggested that I come over later that evening. We both had various things going on so I didn’t make it over there until around 9:30. We had a long talk. I told him that I was kinda sorta seeing someone. I voiced my concerns with us being neighbors. He asked if I was concerned about our age difference. Though it had become clear as we talked that he was older than I had previously thought, I was being honest when I told him that was the least of my worries. When he told me again that he wanted to kiss me I told him that I knew. In the absolutely least romantic way possible I told him I wasn’t an idiot and that I had a good idea what I was getting into when I came over.

PG 13 massive edit. Sufficed to say we enjoyed each other’s company until 2:30 am and then he woke me up at 5:30 so we could enjoy some more. He almost made me late for work.

I plan to keep seeing him (and I guess that worked out pretty okay), I enjoy him, but I am not sure where this is going. He makes me blush. He makes me smile. He makes me feel special and cherished. And more. All in such a short timeframe.

My worries? My fears? My hesitations? They are pretty reasonable, I think. First and foremost, we are neighbors. Our apartments share a wall. If this ends (and so far 100% of the relationships I’ve been in have) it’s going to be really weird. But I guess it’s too late to worry about that. I’ve already gone down this road and we will see what happens. Next, the kids. He has three adult children and his youngest is 9. And because we’re neighbors I’ve already met his youngest and he knows we’re seeing each other. That’s really scary for me. When my ex and I broke up leaving the kids hurt more than leaving the man. Finally, the age. He’s 72. Not a typo. 72. How much future is there with that kind of age gap?

I guess you could say that we figured our the age gap, or I just stopped caring about it. Happy Birthday my love, I will love you even more at 77 than I did at 72.