(Image from The Ark Animal Tarot & Oracle Cards)
I have done psilocybin mushrooms maybe six times in my entire life. While it is something I have enjoyed every time it is also something that I feel like if I did too often it would take away its power. Most of the times I have ingested it I have had some kind of profound experience. The first time was when I was with my ex. He could be a little intense at times and he kept telling me over and over again, “whatever you do don’t look in the mirror!” So, of course, when I had to go to the bathroom I looked in the mirror. Most of my life, including this moment right now, I have not been the most confident person. (Understatement?) It’s a work in progress like so many things in life. But at that moment I remember looking in the mirror and thinking how overwhelmingly beautiful I was. I also had this really intense thought come to me. I remember thinking “that’s where I live.” Not “that’s me”. As if my “self” is something other than this skin suit I’m currently wearing. I knew with absolute certainty that what I could see and what everyone else sees when they look at me isn’t… me. I don’t have a name for it but in most religions I would probably be talking about the soul. In that moment I didn’t need the language for it or to even try to explain. I felt in the core of myself that I had a beautiful home to live in for now.
I have to give a little bit of background for this other intense experience to make any sense at all. I was extremally nervous the first time I met my husband’s best friend. I always assume that people aren’t going to like me, which is logically insane. Of course there are people in the world who don’t or wouldn’t like me. But for the most part people really like me. (Will continue working on this in therapy… not the point I’m trying to get to here.) We had a great visit and when we were leaving my husband (then boyfriend) was loading the car and his best friend and I were standing alone. His friend looked at me and said “you know you’ve got a tiger by the tail, right?” I just agreed and didn’t discuss it further. Though I still don’t know completely what he was intending to communicate there. Inside my head the wheels were instantly spinning. I had a vivid image of being stuck. Of being dragged along by a running tiger and being helpless. I wouldn’t say that I took it as an insult, more that I wasn’t up to the challenge. Or that he was too much for me.
Fast forward some amount of time. I had been struggling with depression and after three failed antidepressants (I’m not anti-antidepressants, they saved my life, but for me they were a temporary not long term solution) I decided to start trying some other things. One of the things I tried was psilocybin mushrooms. I will say they were a major mood boost, micro dosing did not work for me (I threw up every day when trying that) but if I took a trip the effect lingered for months. It was not always easy to find the time when I could make that happen but I was always glad when I made time for it.
On new years day two years ago I went on a mushroom adventure. The last few times I have explored this music has been very important in a way that I can’t explain. The most recent time I needed Hawaiian music, and on that day it was instrumental jazz specifically Thelonious Monk. Since it was after Christmas there were still lights up and the double paned windows doubled all the lights. I’ve never had really intense visuals any time I’ve done mushrooms though I can say the fuzzy bathmat in the upstairs bathroom was really fun to look at. As things progressed I reached a point where I was very much inside my head laying in bed staring at the lights reflected in the window. I had this awareness that I am more powerful than I ever give myself credit for. The language this idea had was that in another life I would have been a priestess and a leader. I felt that I have a power inside me that I am not using and that I want to access it more. And then I remembered what I had been told about having a tiger by the tail. And I thought, what if the tiger isn’t dragging me? What if I can use the tail to get onto the tiger’s back and ride with it? What if instead of being overpowered by the tiger we’re equals?
I was interesting I shared this story with my mom recently because I’m thinking of getting a tattoo of a priestess with a tiger. When I finished she said “who else would a priestess be with but a tiger?” I went from a place of feeling unworthy to feeling like it was the most logical thing in the world.
I can’t speak to what anyone else has ever experienced when using mushrooms, these are just a couple of the experiences I have had. But I think I will leave you with a quote from Bill Hicks (amazing comedian, if you don’t know him go look up his work), “I’m glad mushrooms are against the law because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, ‘My god! I love everything.’ Yeah, now if that isn’t a hazard to our country… how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we are all one?”
Screaming in the Dark 