(Image from The Robin Wood Tarot)
I’m reading The Lord of the Rings trilogy with my stepson (don’t worry, we read The Hobbit first, I know what I’m doing) and a few nights ago we were reading the scene where Sam thinks that Frodo is dead and has to decide what to do next. (I guess slight spoiler alert for a book that came out almost 70 years ago…) My stepson made some stupid joke about Sam and Frodo being gay. Me being who I am that opened the door for a conversation. I shared with him a much shorter version of what I want to talk about here. Boys need to grow up being allowed to show emotions other than anger! This is a HUGE issue in our culture, in my opinion.
We live in a world where the only type of love that is really discussed is romantic love (this is especially true for boys and men) when in reality there are so many types of love out there. I have clients that I’ve worked with for years and years that we say we love each other at the end of a meeting. I love my husband of course, but I also love my other family and I love my friends, and my cat, and in some ways the random strangers on the street. Since I’m a woman I have a kind of love privilege and I can say that. I asked my stepson what would happen if he went to school the next day, told a friend that he loved him, and tried to give them a hug. He immediately told me that they would say “get the fuck away from me with that gay shit.” This is so broken and so damaging on so many levels. First we have the gay kid who is in the closet and knows clearly that it isn’t safe to come out. Duh. But the deeper issue here is that all humans regardless of gender need love and affection and that doesn’t mean sex. It’s part of being human. But we raise boys that the only socially acceptable place to receive love and affection is from a female romantic partner. So what happens when you need comfort because you got in a fight with a romantic partner or because you split up? Not to mention the pressure and strain that puts on the relationship to fulfill all of you emotional needs. All of them. That just doesn’t seem realistic or fair to put on one person.
I’ve been thinking about this post too much and not writing enough. I also think that this gets tangled up in the bullshit idea of the “friendzone”. First I want to say, I’m a woman, the friendzone makes me mad. I’m not a vending machine where if you put in enough time and kindness sex is required to fall out. That said, considering the lessons that we teach our boys as a culture about affection and emotional intimacy it kind of makes sense. If love and affection and emotional intimacy can only exist in romantic love of course the assumption is that sex should be coming next. This is a cultural issue not a men are assholes issue. This is a we all have to do better issue.
But how do we actually change this? I know that my stepson wasn’t taught at home that male affection is inherently gay. One of the many things that I appreciated about my husband early on in our relationship was that when he gets off the phone with his best friend he always says I love you. This idea is something that most kids are learning from their peers. We can all do our best but kids learn from other kids and from older kids. And there are still adults out there that think that male affection is gay and think that homosexuality is wrong.
I guess for me all I can do with this awareness is open the doors of compassion. Does that mean I’m going to fuck every man who thinks I’m supposed to? Of course not. My body is my own and is not owed to anyone. But I have conversations with people (especially young people) and hope that I’m planting seeds. That’s really all anyone can do.
Screaming in the Dark 