Screaming in the Dark

(Image from Modern Witch Tarot)

I’ve always had a bit of a tendency to when in an intimate relationship to spend a disproportionate amount of time with my partner. I used to think that it was linked to codependency but as I get older and see that my relationship is very healthy and I wonder if this has a lot more to do with the fact that I am an extreme introvert. I thrive and am the most myself when I am alone. I recharge my batteries when I’m alone. So when I’m in a relationship, especially if we live together, I’m using most of my social battery to spend time with my partner. Sometimes that makes it easy to forget that I also need other people. When I lived alone I sought out friends more because there wasn’t anyone in my house but living with my husband and my stepson I’m much less likely to seek out friends. Despite knowing that I need to nurture my friendships if I want to keep them. And despite the fact that every time I do see a friend I come home thinking “that was great! I should really do that more often.”

Explanation may be unnecessary because people are talking more and more about what introversion actually means. Just incase you haven’t done any reading on the topic let’s define terms here. There can be a lot of misconceptions about what it means to be introverted vs. extroverted. (A while back I was talking to my husband about this and I told him that I think he’s an introvert and his reply was “I’m not an introvert, I like people.”) The main defining feature of introvert vs. extrovert is about is how we recharge. Do you feel more energized after spending time with people? You might be an extrovert. Do you go to a party and come home exhausted and need to stare at the wall? You might be an introvert. I say might because there’s more to it and that’s not what I’m talking about. Sufficed to say I like people! I enjoy being around people. But afterwards I need my time to recharge my mental and social battery. (If you want to read more and add an additional layer of complexity you can also read about ambiverts.)

For me as an introvert it can be easy for to vanish into my own little world and not reach out. There was a point in time where I was feeling annoyed with my husband because when we spend time doing things together it is always centered around his hobbies. Then I thought about it and my hobbies include quilting and reading and sometimes drawing. All very solitary activity. So now I’m just happy he wants to spend quality time with me. I can be completely happy being on my own for days and days at a time. If you find yourself thinking “eww gross, not for me!” remember there is social interaction and there is social interaction. Very likely if you are an introvert you don’t like large groups of people and you HATE small talk. Sitting down and talking about life and the world with one or two good friends is very rewarding.

So what is it that I get from my friends? Why do I feel good even if my social battery is completely depleted? It’s odd, despite starting this post to remind introverts not to forget about their friends and move that kind of social interaction up the priority list I’m not quite sure how to answer those questions. I enjoy having deep conversations with my friends. I enjoy challenging them and being challenged in turn. It’s also hugely important not to put all your emotional eggs in one basket. If your partner is your only support what happens when you need support around something going on with them? Or, we’re all only human, what if you need emotional support and your partner isn’t in a space to provide it? But all of these explanations are very utilitarian and rational. There’s more to it.

This is related I swear… I’m a reluctant TikTok user. There’s plenty of garbage on there but there is also plenty of really awesome and useful content. One of the trends that amuses me are all the various TikTok dance trends that people get into. The reason I enjoy them so much is from kind of a social anthropological perspective (though I’m not in fact a social anthropologist). For hundreds of years a lot of socialization happened through dance. Even today in tribal societies and as recently as maybe the 1950s? 1940s? (I wasn’t alive so that is based more on movies than anything else.) There were dances that everyone knew and would do together. I also think about folk music, there were times and places where everyone knew at least one instrument and a handful of the same songs. Music and dance for hundreds of years were how people connected and communicated. When I see the silly dance trends of TikTok it feels to me like a desire for that same community that we no longer have.

I mention all of that about dance and music because I feel like there is something innately human about craving community and connection. Like maybe we get something out of this time with people that no one can completely define. I also feel like a lot of the ways and places that we find community have been taken away or poisoned. When I was dating I hated the feeling like the only place I could go out and meet other adults was at a bar. From what I’ve seen of history it feels like there used to be more spaces for community. That said, I am fully aware that many of these places where far from inclusive and had problems of their own. (Churches and exclusive clubs come to mind.) As an introvert and someone with social anxiety it would be so much less stressful to go to a place where there is an activity planned and a group of like minded people there. It can be really scary for me to reach out to a friend and say “want to get together?” Sometimes I worry that my small group of friends will shrink even more because I’m bad about doing the inviting. I know sometimes that the person who is always making the plans and doing the inviting can start to feel like the other person doesn’t want to hang out.

Doing the scary thing is so worth it. I cannot think of one time I regretted making plans with a friend. I encourage you if there’s a friend you haven’t seen in a really long time send them a text message. Go visit your long time friend who moved away if you can. And send me videos of you and that friend doing a silly TikTok dance trend.