Screaming in the Dark

(Image from Spirit of the Wheel Meditation Deck)

It continues to be very uncomfortable and hard for me to claim that title. (Which in many way is comical since I just got distracted from writing to print out my stepson’s missing assignment list and write him a note telling him to have a good day at school tomorrow.) There is a strong message in our culture that what it requires to be a “real” parent is biology. The last time I was a stepparent that was further reinforced for me. We had my ex’s kids full time and he was a bartender so he was at work usually from 4 pm till 2 am. So I was basically a single parent to two teenagers. (And my god I love those kids, they are the only reason I stayed as long as I did. I desperately wanted to give them stability.) We were together for five years (never married) so I really was very involved in raising those kids. Yet every Mother’s Day they would make sure to have gifts for their bio mom and didn’t have anything for me. If I had been older and more mature I would have said something to my partner. (Though he should have seen it without me saying anything… still.) Finally the last year we were together I got almost blackout drunk and locked myself in our bedroom crying on Mother’s Day. I’m not remotely proud of that but I was in so much pain. I felt so unseen. Another time I was with my stepdaughter at Safeway buying groceries, including wine, and they asked to see her ID. I told them no, she’s only 13, she will not be drinking. They asked if I was related to her. I know, I should have just lied, for some reason I’m a really honest person and I don’t lie in situations like this. I explained that she was my boyfriend’s daughter and that she lived with me full time and that I was not feeding her alcohol. They said that in order to buy alcohol at a grocery store with a child I had to be biologically related to them. I asked, so their aunt who they see at most once a year can buy alcohol with them but me, the person who is with them every day can’t? That’s the policy. In the grand scheme of life it wasn’t a big deal and if I hadn’t already been having a very bad day it might not have even bothered me. In that moment though it was a slap in the face. It further reinforced this idea that I was not a “real” parent because she didn’t come out of my body. More recently my sister had a baby, I’m beyond happy for her because this is something she has wanted for a long time (and my nephew is the cutest baby in the whole world!). For her first Mother’s Day my mom got her a card and a gift (so did I, but that’s not relevant) and I had a twinge. I’ve been some kind of mother for over 10 years and my mother has never acknowledged me on Mother’s Day. As a matter of fact, one Mother’s Day I was sick the week before and posted about that on social media. Her reaction was to ask who was going to take her out for Mother’s Day.

Having never had (and never going to have) biological children I may be the wrong person to make this statement but in my opinion being a step or bonus parent is significantly harder than being a biological parent. You have a kiddo who maybe wasn’t raised with your beliefs or maybe wasn’t raised in the way that you would want to raise a child. I have had major struggles getting my current stepson to do chores and help around the house in even the most basic ways because that was not something that his biological parents did with him. I’m a strong believer in starting really young with age appropriate chores but by the time I showed up that already hadn’t happened. You are also getting a child who (likely) went through a divorce or other trauma around their parents separating. They may have a hard time connecting with you due to loyalties. Though he never said it, I always felt a little distance from my first stepson, like he thought it would be disloyal to his biological mom if he bonded with me. (My step daughter was pissed at her mom and we bonded pretty closely. It was also an age thing and a gender thing.) Then you’re dealing with whatever dynamic exists between the biological parents. Have they resolved their issues and are able to communicate or is handoff more like a prisoner of war exchange? If there is ever a disagreement about how to parent you have to defer to the biological parents, even if you know you’re right. The final blow is that sometimes you are doing all of the work of a parent without the love and connection. You’re doing it because you foolishly fell in love with an adult who already had children. I have a very strong personal belief that if you love someone who has children you also love their children. If you cannot do that, move on. They will always put their children before you (if they are a decent parent) and you need to be okay with that.

So why do I keep doing it? All I can think of are stories. The first Christmas I was with my ex and his kids they were both not quite teenagers yet. We told them that they could wake us up as early as they wanted so long as they made coffee first. I don’t think they had ever made coffee before because that was the most disgusting cup of coffee I’ve ever had. But at 5 am on Christmas morning it was the best. Recently when my stepson had chickenpox I took him out of town for two nights just the two of us. He just told me that of everything he did this summer that trip was his favorite. For his birthday this year all he wants is to go on a trip with me again. I remember being in the car with my first step children and them telling me I was the most responsible adult in their lives. I remember how great it felt to be able to give them their own room for the first time. But none one of that really answer the question.

One of the reasons I chose not to have children of my own is not because I’m not nurturing, it’s because I’m too nurturing. It’s because I can’t turn off the faucet and I will give until I have nothing left to give. Then I get angry at the person I’ve been giving too much to even if it wasn’t something they asked for. (There are more reasons than that but that one is relevant to what I’m thinking and talking about today.) I was just watching a Tik Tok where a young man was talking about how his mother will not attend his wedding because he’s gay and he’s really needing a mother’s love right now. I felt that so deeply and would gladly get on a plane to go to this stranger’s wedding and stand in for his mother who is blowing it. At my core I am a maternal person. After all this I guess I thought I would find the answer and I haven’t yet. I don’t know why it is so hard for me to let go of my cultural conditioning that I’m not a “real” mother just because I have never given birth. But I’m working on it and this is some of my work. But I would say, check on and shower the nontraditional moms that might be in your life with love and appreciation. Trust me, they need it.